January 18, 2013, will forever mark one of the most gut-wrenching days of our lives.

Even though William was still in utero, our love for him and what the future held was already beginning to take shape. But on that day, the brokenness of this world took center stage as we faced the reality that nothing is for certain. Our son was taken from us 20 weeks into his life, and it plunged me into the darkest season I have ever known. 

I couldn’t make sense of any of it. How could a loving God who says, “Children are a heritage from the Lord … blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them,” rob me of this blessing? Was it something I said? Something I did… or didn’t do? Questions bounced around in my head like a pinball. I didn’t know where to turn or who to talk to. My world was upside down. 

By God’s grace, I had a couple friends who didn’t tell me how to “suffer well” or offer spiritual platitudes. Instead, they sat, listened, and watched over me as I wept. They truly loved me well and held space while the grief changed me. For the first time ever, I questioned God’s goodness. I doubted His love. I was angry. My prayers were filled with words I dared not speak aloud… but God stayed. My doubts were so deep that I nearly gave up… but God didn’t. 

The process wasn’t perfect–it never is–but this wrestling deepened my faith in ways I would have never experienced without my doubts. It wasn’t a straight-line, either. I was all over the place–in and out, trusting and hesitant, two steps forward, three steps back. But eventually, when my friends saw that I was ready to hear, one of them said something I needed: “In this season of suffering, if the only thing you can cling to is how contrary death and sadness are to the God that you’ve always known to be life-giving and present, then hold onto that and return.” 

So, I did. I chose to stay tender, trusting what scripture says is true–that He is “near to the broken hearted” (Psalm 34:18 NIV) and that He “weeps with those who weep” (Romans 12:15b NIV). I was able to see a God who was there and ready to wipe every tear.

This side of heaven, death and sadness are a given. We live in a broken place, with broken people. I wish I could end this with a promise that if you pray certain prayers or follow certain steps, life will be bearable. But Momma taught me not to lie. The one thing I can say is that God is more than able to bear up under our doubts, our questioning, and our wrestling.

That’s all He has ever wanted. He wants us. Every part of us, the good and the bad. He already knows our hearts–He just wants us to invite him into the conversation. He wants us to trust His promises and have faith that He will never leave or forsake us. To be in a relationship with Him that is authentic and vulnerable. That kind of relationship is where I’ve experienced God like never before.

I like how The Message translates John 16:33: “I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.” 

Life is hard, but God is good, all the time.

Contributed by: Bryan Jaynes


Reflection Song:

Reflection Questions:

1. As this entry emphasizes the importance of trusting God amid uncertainty, today’s reflection song reminds us that He is present and providing for us, despite our circumstances. How have you experienced God’s presence and provision over the past 26 days that would allow you to confidently sing these lyrics?
    
2. Considering the lyrics about rearranging our hearts and trusting God regardless of the outcome, what changes do you sense happening in your heart as you move forward in your relationship with Him?
    
3. Have you encountered any challenges in your relationship with God during this journey? What points of growth can you identify Him drawing you towards?