Isaiah 33:5-6 (ESV) 
“The Lord is exalted for he dwells on high. He will fill Zion with justice and righteousness. The Lord will be the stability of your times, abundance of salvation, wisdom and knowledge. The fear of the Lord is Zion’s treasure.”

The swells of sadness threaten to swallow me whole, and sometimes they do. But I know that grief must have its way. It is doing important work and change lies in its wake. 

When clarity finally arrives, fresh grief awaits as new symptoms and health setbacks steal my husband from me a little at a time. His brain is slowly degenerating. The man I fell in love with is becoming someone else. For “better or worse” requires not only commitment but grit and imagination as well. We must allow the Holy Spirit to transform our marriage into something new and different for it to survive. Pictures from our past hold sacred meaning. They are markers of a beautiful and imperfect life together over three decades in the making. The future will look nothing like the past. This is God’s story for us, conceived with love, lived out in the crucible of sacrifice.

I understand “wrestling” with God differently than I used to. Prayer has shed its prim and proper qualities, donning a guttural, desperate timbre that feels strangely right. This wrestling happens mostly when I awaken during the night or before dawn’s first blush. When I emerge, I am not the same. I am deepened. More intent upon ushering the kingdom in one painful moment at a time. Strangely filled with keener purpose. Brimming with gratitude for a God who will not change or leave me in the midst of my agony.

Each morning our reality pierces through my dreams. I think back to God’s faithfulness to me yesterday. I ask for the strength to rejoice in the new day He has made and to grant me the desire to be glad in it. With each step I settle into the familiar cadence of my most recent breath prayer. Every breath will be evidence of His grace. The Lord of Hosts (deep inhale), will deliver us (slow exhale). The Lord of Hosts (deep inhale), will deliver us (slow exhale). These breath prayers buoy me when my thoughts like waves toss me to and fro. Their truth stills my soul. 

It is in these moments that I sense God’s invitation to shift my gaze from my circumstances to Him. God is the author of both creativity and beauty. Despite appearances, He is at work, doing something good. All the changes He is making in my husband, in me, and in our marriage, will be testimonials for all of eternity echoing His glory. The pain of this side of eternity gives way to my longings for the other side. Until then, God meets me in the fragile places of my soul and hope rises within me.

Contributed by: Miriam Walsh
 

Prayer: 

Spend some time in prayer today by bringing your raw emotions and grief before God, trusting that He meets you in your most fragile moments. End with a minute or two of the breath prayer, “The Lord of Hosts (inhale), will deliver me (exhale),” as a way to attune yourself to His presence.