I woke up in the middle of the night to the call… he’s gone. 

The days following were heavy. 

It sucks, this abrupt end. The period to a story. The finality of death. I wanted to escape its reality. I wanted to walk around the grief to the other side of the hurt. 

We knew he believed in Christ, so he is Home! Right? Yes, but with statements like this, I chose to ignore the sadness of grief and focus on the joy of knowing he is redeemed. 

My grandpa was disabled and had been in a wheelchair since I could remember. There was a special sweetness in imagining him receiving his glorified body, one free of the ailments and difficulties that his earthly body brought. But, again, I was ignoring my hurt and my heart. I was numb. “Better to not feel than to feel this hard,” I said. But it brought no help, no relief from the hurt, no fix to the reality. 

As a creative, I tend to process in artistic expressions. In my days of “numb,” I tried to force the process by focusing on the good, but I got nowhere by ignoring the reality that death just sucks.

Even Christ was grieved at death. Look at Jesus in John 11:17-37. He lost someone he cared for strongly. Verse 33 says He was “deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled.” He was open to the feelings grief brings. He was willing to walk through, not around it. Verse 35 says, “Jesus wept.” He cried. PERIOD. He was sad and he didn’t refuse it. He expressed it. He felt it fully.

It was here that I began my sadness. Deeply moved and greatly troubled, I opened myself up to the grief and the hurt that came with it. I wept. And it was out of my sadness that this poem came…

Gone From For Home

gone from home
this is hurt
this is numb
this is ache
this is
the unfillable hole
the dark void
the abyss of love
of a life lost

all the days
now only pictures
all the months
now only memories
all the years
now only yearning
of what was
and never will again be

this hurt can not heal over
this numb can not feel
this ache can not be extinguished
for now no one can
fill the hole that is left
light up the void that is here
replace the abyss of love lost
without him

now only his legacy
of a life that’s love is longed for
of a life that brought light to ours
of a life that was full
now only his legacy lives on
in all that he knew and knew him
in those who got to be loved by him
in those that bear his name

so the hurt will still hurt
the numb with stay
the ache will remain
this longing won’t go away
all the days
all the months
all the years
without him
here

here we long to be with him
here we ache to be home
where “numb” turns to “feel” 
and “hurt” turns to “healed”
the longing will be gone
we will be
full of love, fully loved
full of light, fully light
full of life, fully alive

a life that is full
all the days
all the months
all the years
with him
and with Him
for all our lives
when we are Home


Reflection:

1. How can you create space in your life to fully experience grief of a lost loved one (death or otherwise) without feeling the need to rush to healing?
    
2. What memories of a loss—whether of a person, place, or season of life—bring you both joy and sorrow, and how can you hold those feelings together?

Guided Meditation: 
“Walking with Grief” (Optional: ~10-15 minutes)

Instructions:

1. Create a Calm Environment: Find a quiet, comfortable space where you can sit or lie down without interruptions.
    
2. Begin with Deep Breathing: Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Allow your body to relax with each breath.
    
3. Visualize Your Grief: Picture a path in front of you, representing your journey through grief. As you walk this path, acknowledge the feelings that come with loss—sadness, anger, confusion, or numbness. Allow yourself to explore and feel these emotions without judgment.
    
4. Invite Jesus into Your Grief: Now, imagine Jesus walking beside you on this path. Reflect on how He experienced grief and allowed Himself to feel deeply.
    
5. Speak Your Feelings: Silently or aloud, express your feelings to Jesus. Share your hurt, your longing, and your memories of your loved one. Picture Him listening as you share your heart with Him.
    
6. Receive His Comfort: Visualize Jesus offering you comfort and love. Picture Him wrapping you in His arms, reassuring you that it’s okay to grieve and that you are not alone.
    
7. Return to the Present: After a time, gently bring your awareness back to the room. Take a few more deep breaths and slowly open your eyes.
    
8. Optional Reflection: After the meditation, take a moment to journal about the experience. What emotions surfaced? How did it feel to invite Jesus into your grief?