I have often doubted God. Not His existence, but His presence and power in my life. If He was actually present, wouldn’t He want the pain to stop? If He was all powerful, wouldn’t He take it away? If He really cared, wouldn’t He make sure I never felt pain again? This has not been my experience, and mine is not that kind of story.

I was diagnosed with a bone disease at eight years old. It was somewhat uncommon, and my case turned out to be one of the worst cases on record at the time. I was in pain every day and night. I could not walk. I bounced between crutches and a wheelchair for four years while going through several treatments, two surgeries, and a three month hospital stay. Prayer did not ease the physical pain; prayer did not help me sleep at night.

As many of you likely know, kids at school can be cruel to those who are different, and I experienced torment at school to match my pain and depression at home. As an 8 to 12-year-old going through so much, I had many questions without answers, and the Christian-ese words that were offered lost all meaning. Was this what God wanted? Was this God’s plan for me? Why me? Did God know what was happening to me in each moment? Did God know how I felt? Did He care? If He is all-present and all-knowing, where is He and what is He doing? Why did He leave me all alone?

Then, and now, I face the decision of turning over my life and my will to the care of God each and every day. The days I do choose to turn it over, it is only because my deepest longings have surpassed the pain and toxic shame that I tend to cling to so tightly. Holding onto pain can give me power. Simmering in toxic shame can effectively mask my other emotions. In these ways, I am protected from having to deal with my true feelings, the true voice of my heart.

Unfortunately (or so it seems), God is a gentleman. He knocks and waits at the door. He is humble; He does not lord His power over anyone, but waits patiently for us. Yet, little by little, as I surrender my protection and claim to power, love is able to seep through the cracks in the walls to find my cold, lonely heart. As it does, I slowly begin to see that there is more than the past pain and present resentment that I know. I learn to trust that I can be cared for and loved even when I’m in a hard place or being difficult—even when I’m not okay. 

As I look back at what I’ve come through, I see how I’ve made it much farther than I thought I might. So, I can only conclude that I had more help than I thought. I still have my doubts and unbelief, but I wouldn’t be here today without a Power much greater than myself carrying me when I could not walk.

Maybe I was never really alone.

Contributed by: David Campbell

Scripture:

Isaiah 41:10 (CSB)
“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with my righteous right hand.”


Reflection:

1. What does it mean to allow love to seep through the cracks of your emotional defenses? How can vulnerability lead to healing in your relationship with God and others?
    
2. If you could ask God questions about your life, pain, or doubts, what would they be? How do you think the answers to these questions might change your relationship with Him?
    
3. How do you reconcile doubt about God’s will and His ways with your desire to believe in His goodness and care? Can doubt coexist with faith in your life?
    

Reflection Song:

“Where Do I Go”