My husband Jake and I were married in 2020. Just eight months later, we were overjoyed—and a little scared—to find out we were pregnant. I was so hopeful, so happy. 

We praised God for this sweet life.  And then came that second ultrasound… “It could be nothing. It could be a miscarriage. It’s too soon to worry. Come back in a week.” 

Don’t worry? I thought. 

It was a week of agony. I had to tell someone the truth about what I was feeling. “I’m scared that I won’t love God anymore if my baby dies. I’m scared of losing my relationship with Jesus,” I shared. I spoke these deepest fears to a roomful of friends–and now I’ve told you too.

We went back for our third ultrasound. “Fear not, only believe,” I repeated over and over in my mind as the clock ticked in that exam room. The sweet nurse put her gloves on, placed the gel on my stomach, and pulled out the wand. 

Silence. 

Then, a whisper: “I’m so sorry, love,” the nurse said as she hugged me. “I’m not supposed to say anything, but…. There’s no heartbeat.”

Grief came fast. Jake and I wept as we held the ultrasound photo of our baby. “We love you sweet one!” I cried. “We will see you one day soon.” And then we prayed, “Jesus, be with us!”

Nothing short of a miracle happened next. In that dark hospital room, I felt a supernatural peace cover me like a blanket. The pain came in frightful waves, but it was as if Jesus himself was letting the pain–like shards of glass–hit Him instead of me. 

Friends, the pain did come for me. When I was ready, He let me feel it. It lasted for hours, then days, then weeks. And when it was too much to bear, I fell to my knees. I couldn’t run from the grief. Where could I possibly go? Instead of running from it, I embraced it. 

We buried our baby. We named him Hananiah, which means “Yahweh has been gracious.” I wrote a song for him. I treasured his days with us in my heart. I honored my sadness with many tears. 

Through all of this, Jesus met me in each step. He was there in tangible ways–like casseroles. Like friends who didn’t try to say words to fix it but instead asked, “Can I braid your hair?” Jesus met me when I screamed so hard in the shower, I thought I might die. When I yelled at God, when I imagined myself beating on His chest for answers, He held me. And that fear I had? The fear that my love for God would change? Well, it did. 

It grew. 

My love for Jesus expanded and magnified in ways I couldn’t have imagined. To anyone who is brokenhearted: cling to Jesus. He is strong enough to carry you. He will sustain you. May God bless you and keep you. 

Contributed by: Lauren Jacobs


Scripture:

Psalm 73:26 (NIV)
My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

Psalm 40:1 (NIV)
“I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.”


Reflection Song:

Journaling Reflection:
“A Conversation with God” (Optional ~15-20 minutes):

Sometimes, we might hesitate to try certain spiritual practices because they feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable. However, this practice is simply a way of listening for God’s voice through the lens of scripture. One of the most important things to remember is that God’s voice will never contradict scripture. So, as long as your reflections align with the truth of His word, you can feel safe and confident that you aren’t straying from the truth or going beyond what’s scripturally sound. This practice will deepen your connection with God as you embrace new experiences to enhance your ability to discern how He is speaking to your heart.

How to Practice This:

Begin writing a dialogue between you and God, using the verses above as your foundation. Start by expressing to God the areas in your life where you feel weak, where your “flesh and heart may fail.” Share your fears and hesitations, even the thoughts you find difficult to voice. Also, express your willingness to patiently wait for His comfort and provision.

Next, imagine God’s response, affirming His role as your strength and portion, as well as your ever-present help in times of trouble. Let scripture speak into the conversation, guiding how you understand His voice. Embrace this opportunity with confidence, trusting that His Spirit will guide and gently correct you as you take courageous steps toward Him.